Like other births and deaths, cancer can be a major life-altering event. Survivors often divide their lives into Before Cancer and After Cancer. I’m coming up on my six-year cancer-versary. I can barely remember what life was like before that. My new life began with the massive upheaval of diagnosis, treatment, and side effects. I spent years after that trying to convince the medical and insurance worlds that my significant side effects were real. I gave up when I realized that this battle was exhausting me and keeping my focus on what I had lost.
I’ve been focusing instead on the life I have, and on what I have gained. I can’t work, but I no longer have to get up and go to a j-o-b. My time is mostly self-directed. I’ve lost my income, but now live a simple and supportive life in the woods. Because my energy is limited, I am no longer disturbed by minor problems––and almost everything is minor! Being mindful of how I use my energy each day helps me prioritize my spiritual path.
Most importantly, even though I have had layers upon layers of losses around cancer, I now have great appreciation for every day I travel on this planet in a human body.
This fits with what the Osho Zen Tarot* has to say about sorrow in general:
“This pain is not to make you sad, remember. That’s where people go on missing. This pain is just to make you more alert––because people become alert only when the arrow goes deep into their heart and wounds them. Otherwise they don’t become alert. When life is easy, comfortable, convenient, who cares? Who bothers to become alert?….The pain is not to make you miserable, the pain is to make you more aware! And when you are aware, misery disappears.”
*1994, St. Martin’s Press
It is true. I have divided my life into compartments ie. before marriage after marriage, during church membership after church membership (I have done that one twice), before army during army and after army.and yes before cancer and after cancer. Those are divisions I’VE made… but the biggest before and after was made by another for me. I was given away as a child and even now at 70 it still effects me profoundly. I wonder what lesson I’ve been taxed with this go around and whether or not I’ve learned all I needed to.
Yes! So many events change our lives irreversibly. Often feel like losses, sometimes not, but always more chances to grow. That’s how I think of it. I’ll never learn all I need to, but I can hope I took the opportunities that were presented to me.
The early childhood stuff seems to have the most impact, when we are fresh and trusting and just forming our ideas about the world. I sometimes wonder what I would be like if I hadn’t been raped at age 5. No way to know………..
Congratulations on your Sixth-Cancer-versary! I always find your insight and powerful words remind me to keep things in perspective. Clearly, your goal is to live a simple, uncluttered, and meaningful life. I recently sustained a back injury from a very hard fall on a slippery floor. The past month I have been preoccupied with getting better and settling an insurance claim.
Thus, I have found myself focusing on the wrong things: back pain and an insurance settlement to pay for my medical bills, etc. I’m realizing these two things have been distracting me from living my life to the fullest, ultimately getting better, and being happier. Thank you for sharing your Cancer-versary thoughts and helping me refocus on how to recover and live a happier, simpler life. I’m feeling a little bit better already!
Sincerely,
Bruce Young
Bruce–so sorry you have been injured! You are such an active person, it must be hard to slow down.
I am so glad you are enjoying the posts. I keep sending them out into the Universe, not ever really knowing who is reading them or not. Feel free to share with any friends 🙂
xo
jennifer