I have been stumbling around for many weeks in a depressive spiral. The daily fatigue is debilitating and my sleep is poor. I am coping with a constant bath of negative thought loops that include judgement about others. To counteract this, I am making efforts to understand those negative thought loops. It is interesting work.

I began by having an internal conversation with myself. I asked who in me is invested in these negative thought loops. Surprisingly, the answer came easily––my ego. In fact, a separate voice that said it was my ego answered the question! When I asked the purpose of these negative thoughts, Ego told me that it was a way to make me important. Seeing myself as being treated unfairly is a way to make me stand out. This is Victim Behavior.

I wondered why I could not stand out for my positive attributes, my accomplishments. When I asked that, I felt myself growing smaller and smaller and childlike, and very uncomfortable. Positive attention was associated with suffering in my childhood. But focusing on needing attention, negative or positive, is just feeding my ego. I would like to return instead to the simple spiritual freedom of being grateful for Life.

Someone recently pointed out the power of gratitude practice. When you are in gratitude, it is not possible to feel other emotions like anger or sadness. Practicing gratitude is about creating a pathway for positive energy. It is not about avoiding negative energy, it is focusing on positive energy. I decided to experiment with my energy state while in gratitude versus while in negative thought loops.

When I practiced being in gratitude I felt my body opening outward in an expansion of energy. I connected with Space, with Zone. I felt flow. I realized that this is where the voice asking the questions was centered. When I asked what this part of me was, the answer was my True Self.

When I am in negative thought loops, I am keeping my energy from expanding, I am holding my energy down. I imagine that is why the thoughts keep looping––they become stuck and immovable. It’s hardly important what the point is that I get stuck on––this is about the arrangement of energy. When I am holding myself in this way, my energy is being held down by my ego. My energy is being kept away from my True Self.

I don’t want to put judgement on this (more ego behavior)––that’s what Beating Myself Up is. The ego has an important role in asserting the survival of the physical body. It is the physical engine of Life. I have somehow gotten “off track”, however, and am now being fueled by my ego instead of my spirit. I am not honoring my True Self.

I want to understand more about this.

[to be continued]