I often feel uncomfortable when I go into my darkened bedroom at night to turn the light on. I sense a heightened awareness of the possibility that someone could be in there, waiting for me. I feel afraid.

It makes me angry that I have to deal with this fear. I know it’s left over from my history as a sexual violence survivor. It’s compounded by the very real dangers of being female in a male-dominated culture––where you can be assaulted in any environment at any time. And it has historical trauma tentacles, going way back to the burning of ‘witches’ (strong, independent women). 

The fear of this danger, real or imagined or both, is using bandwidth in my psyche and draining precious energy. What can I do to limit it? Just thinking differently is not enough.

A’riquea:  This is ancient, ancient energy. Women have been the receptors of much displaced hatred and anger for many many lifetimes. It’s bored down into the very structure of your DNA. So you are not only dealing with the current climate of patriarchy, you are also carrying the altered energy formations of history. It is good to be aware of your own behavior around this, for that is the place to initiate change. Change on a larger scale is the work of many. It takes both.

You can start by choosing an alternative reaction to any given circumstance. Choice may not seem like an option when using with the word ‘reaction,’ but it is always available. You can choose to note your reaction and modify it. What would you rather feel when the fear comes?

Freedom and ease. I don’t want the fear to control me or distract me. I don’t want it to use my energy. I want my power back.

That is a good place to start. Notice how you are giving up control to this reaction of fear. You are giving it your energy. It may not feel like that, but it is an energy habit that you have practiced over a long period of time. Like changing any habit, you cannot transform it by avoiding it. First you must greet it. Give thanks for anything it has given you. What would that be?

I have energy awareness of situations that could potentially be dangerous. The fear has given me a way to protect myself from further harm.

Yes. Fear is protective. You do not want to eliminate fear. What you want to address is the chronic use of it to build a wall around yourself. A wall is an impermeable membrane. It keeps others out and it also keeps you in. As an energy habit, it limits flow.

Flow is what you are inhibiting through continued practice of this fear. You can check in when you feel this fear. You can ask yourself, “Is this warranted in this situation?” You can say Hello, Fear, Loyal Friend who is keeping me safe. Hello, Fear, let’s check out this situation and see if your services are needed. It will be tempting to rationalize whether the situation is safe or not, but the intellect is only one player. Fear is an emotion, it is generated through feelings. Check in with your intuition, your sensing network—is there actual danger here or am I reacting in a patterned way.

This is confusing to me. I understand the intuitive check in. But fear is often a reaction to a situation which could be dangerous. How do I make this assessment of something that is a potential?

There is an important distinction here. You might think that assessing the situation is a mental activity. The only thing your intellect is doing is asking the questions. Intuition is providing the answers. So this is really about fine-tuning your intuition. 

Intuition can set off an alarm. Then Intellect asks, “Is there actual danger here?” Then Intuition checks in again and answers. It’s a feedback loop. Currently, your system is noting the fear but not following through on the question and answer.

Using the dark bedroom example, the fear usually dissipates once the light is on and it is clear that no one else is there.

You are entering an unknown situation. That is where the greatest potential for danger lies. Unknown situations are also the portal to new learning, so that is what you are closing off with this fear. It may be helpful to stop referring to it as my fear, because then it is attached to you. Try to start saying the fear, or a fear. 

These are all good steps to start with. Talking about it more is just talking. What you need to be doing is activating these ideas. Observe yourself over the next few days and see where it goes. 

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I’ve been practicing this healing feedback loop: feelings provide the information – intellect asks the question –  intuition answers the question. It has been life-changing. In only a few days I felt lighter and freer. After just one week, I no longer felt attached to the fear. I am a whole new person!