I’ve had an interesting sensation lately. It comes with being very tired, which I know well from chemo fatigue. When I push myself too hard I become exhausted, and feel myself existing in a kind of surreal version of reality. It’s as if I am detaching from the world. I think there’s actually a reduction in my Life Force.
I took a trip out of town last week, and that pushed me over the edge (driving, traffic, interrupted sleep). While I was there, I heard myself asking “what if this was your last day on earth––is this what you would want to be doing?”. It wasn’t a cognitive exercise. I actually had the sensation that I was detaching from the earth. My response to that question was educational. I did not feel the desperate drive to hurry up and accomplish something. Isn’t that what a bucket list is? All of the things you want to see or experience before you die? Instead, I had the very peaceful sensation of knowing that those things are really not important. If I was going to exit the planet, none of it would matter. There would only be the present, and what I was doing in that very moment.
What I really wanted was to be outside––enjoying the summer sun filtering through the leaves, the birds singing in the trees, the breeze caressing my skin, drinking clear cold water. I felt at peace. I loved the world, but it could all go away and I would be ok with that.
Ironically, what I went traveling for was a birth. I was a labor assistant for my niece. The birth was beautiful and easy, the young woman and her partner worked together with love and compassion. Then I was holding an amazing brand new person in my arms, and it made me think about all of the Present Moments that this little person was just starting to experience.
Life starts anew every day. Even though my head aches and I can hardly get out of bed, when I wake up in the morning, I hear myself saying “wow––I get one more day on this planet! Isn’t that great?!!”