My apologies for being away so long. In May 2013 I started testing, and over the summer I received a diagnosis of breast cancer. Since then, I have been through three surgeries, including bilateral mastectomy, and have ventured into the world of chemotherapy. My life has become a major medical adventure. My oncologist and chemotherapy nurses are a 6 hour round trip from home. Locally, I have a primary care doctor, physical therapist, homeopath and acupuncturist on my team, as well as dozens of friends who are cooking, cleaning and driving for me. I am currently unable to work. I could sure use some book sales!
During the last six months, I have received many teachings. I would like to begin posting some of them here. I’m going to begin with the most recent.
I had a brutal experience with my first round of chemotherapy. I had difficulty speaking, thinking, moving, eating, for almost a week after. I was looking for a new way to approach the second round. The Teachers came to me with important guidance.
The following is an excerpt form my spirit journal:
“I can’t believe I am going to allow my brain to get erased like that again. It has to be damaging in the long term. And what am I choosing to do to my liver? My acupuncturist reminded me that the human body is resilient. It can take a lot and still bounce back. Do I need to decide to just survive the infusion?
Ancestors, please help me have the strength to face this. Help me to focus on the parts that I do have control over. Help me be thankful for the good things I have in my life. Help me to remember that you are with me, that I will not be there alone.
This is the way it needs to be right now. This is very hard to understand, of course. You want to just go on with your life. But your life is moving in a new trajectory. Part of the journey there is about stripping away some of the old ways. It is like removing layers of skin. It is painful. Healing will be required. And takes time. The thing you need to be aware of, in every minute, is that you are strong enough to take this.
Be the two beings of your Releasing Dream*. Be the human being, who is suffering. Allow the suffering to move through you. And also be the Gentle Spirit, who stands by with compassion and Love. You are both of these. God is in the moving of the energy. The moving of the grief and the moving of the Love. They are both sides of the same coin.
And holding to the edge of the coin is……
Holding to the edge is faith. Faith that there is purpose in living. You are a spirit-walking journey. You are traveling in many worlds simultaneously. When things seem unstable in this world, they are moving in other worlds. They are moving especially when you are releasing the grief and embodying compassion. You can be doing these things when you are in the environment of the infusion center. This is what you must practice. Moving the grief and moving the compassion.
This means that I would have to be very present.
Not necessarily. You could be in the Dream World when this happens.
If I am experiencing fear, then I am not centered enough to be in the Dream World.
Remember that fear is a tool. It will tell you when you are detaching. It is a reminder to return.
And it is helpful to think that there is something I can do, instead of being a passive victim of the situation.
Let yourself be with God.
That is a little worrisome—wouldn’t I risk staying there and not coming back.
Except that we will bring you back. This is only a renewing journey, not a permanent one. As hard as it may be to comprehend, this is part of the grooming for your new life.
A special kind of travel.
Another kind of travel.
As usual, I am surprised by the outcome of this conversation. It will be good for me to focus on this in the next few days. Thank you so much. I cannot thank you enough.
And it is also good for us.
Of course. And I appreciate the sharing of your wisdom.”
When I went for my second round of chemo, I practiced this kind of meditation in the infusion center. I relaxed my mind and body, allowing myself to be centered at the base of my spine, with my energy expanding into the space around me. I accepted the state of being human, and allowed the chemo to flow through my body. I also welcomed my Spirit into the space around my body, and filled that space with Love. I experienced this trance state for most of the infusion. The nurse turned the lights off (she though I was dozing). Two hours later, when the infusion was over, I had no ill effects.
*The Releasing Dream was a healing dream from the week before. In it, I was re-exposed to a situation and person that had once created great grief in my life. In that dream:
I fell on the floor, face down and naked, sobbing. At that moment, I became two beings simultaneously. I was the body sobbing on the floor and also a gentle spirit standing next to the crying figure, witnessing. The Crying Me was sobbing in a way that I have never heard, primal, deep, coming from the spine. I could hear the sounds in my ears and feel the vibration in my body while the Dreaming Me was sleeping. Sorrow was being expressed from the very root of my being.
A man approached me in the dream. Immediately, the Crying Me stood up in angry defiance, fiercely focused and ready to fight. The Spirit Me gently said, “this is not what is needed here. What is needed here is compassion for this Being.” The man disappeared. I crumpled back to the floor and continued sobbing. Spirit Me stood by with a soft hand placed on Grieving Me, embodying non-judgment, total compassion.
I woke up completely aware of what had transpired—a huge well of sorrow had been released under the most supportive of circumstances. I had been both the griever and the supporter. A monumental shift. A gift.