I think it’s always been there, but ever since chemo I am highly aware of a conversation constantly occurring in my head. When I am tired and feeling low, I make many mistakes. The voice in my head makes comments like, “how dumb” and “you idiot”. When I am exhausted, the voice might even say “you’re a bad person”. I don’t have much emotional attachment to these comments. I don’t actually believe them. But it’s interesting that they surface.
I’ve wondered where they come from. I imagine they’re remnants of childhood training. Growing up in a critical environment, where rigid conformity was highly valued, I hardly remember hearing anything positive or affirming about myself. A run-down of my faults would be more typical.
So, it’s kind of the fall-back pathway for my emotional-electrical circuits. Fortunately, I am more than that. I am evolving every minute, and consciously making choices to move in other directions. I am choosing to value myself and others in the context of the Universe.
The past shows us where we’ve been, but we choose where we’re going. We have the opportunity––and the responsibility––to manifest enlightenment in the present, to create the world. Not just for ourselves, but for everyone. In the words of Thich Nhat Hanh, “Our own life has to be our message.”