I went to a small local beach last week to cool off. Next to me was a young family with 3 boys under age 7. The mother spent her entire time at the beach managing their snacks, toys, and tantrums. The father’s experience consisted of standing in the water talking to another guy. Apparently, the mother accepted her role and rest of the family expected it.
I was there with a friend, and we were talking about how various grandparents are involved with their grandchildren. I heard myself saying out loud, “I was a single mom and a practicing nurse for 3 decades of my adult life––I’m done being a caretaker!” Mothering and nursing were certainly worthy activities that I enjoyed, but I burned out. I no longer have energy to invest in relationships unless there’s a two-way emotional exchange. It’s seen as selfish when women say that. But I think it’s healthy.
There is a difference between caring and caretaking. Deng Ming-Dao lists many attributes to be used on behalf of others, but self-sacrifice is not one of them. “You do not need to destroy yourself to help another. Your overall obligation is to complete your own journey along your personal Tao. As long as you can offer solace to others on your path, you have done the best you can.”*
This doesn’t mean that I don’t give. I care for my very young grandson but it’s one day a week, not five. I volunteer in my community a few times a month. My work, my true purpose in life, is to share the vibration of Love that moves evolution––to inspire deeper connections. I can only do that if I am present and energized on my own path.
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* 365 Tao, p.188.
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