“We are only ever temporarily well, temporarily able, and temporarily young.”  ~Emily Kenway

I recently had a little medical scare. I had a some chest tightness and a cough. I went to my doctor and a chest X-ray was ordered. Ten years ago I survived treatment for two breast cancers. Cancer is not part of my daily life anymore, but I think it’s always in the back of my mind. While I was waiting several days for the X-ray results, the Cancer Monster invaded my thoughts. What if I had cancer in my lungs (a common location adjacent to breasts)? Lung cancer is usually a short trip. What if I had two months to live? One? This was not a game for me, it was a very real exercise. What would you choose if you had just one month left???

The chest X-ray turned out to be clear. Yay! But shortly after, that little chest tightness turned into significant pressure and I ended up in the ER. My tests and labs all looked good, but my small town hospital didn’t know what to do with me. They are not equipped with any kind of specialists. They don’t have an operating room or an ICU. So I took a midnight ambulance run to the nearest medical center––two hours away.

That was a very long time to be left alone with my thoughts. What if I was dying right now?? I knew that stewing on fear and anxiety, focusing on what might be happening or could happen, was not going to help me. And it was not the way I wanted to exit this world. So I directed my thoughts to more positive things.

I had recently heard a basketball player say, “stay where your feet are.” Like, be present. I thought about that a lot. I looked down the stretch of blankets to my feet, which I had uncovered to keep them cool. I said Hello to my feet. One by one I thanked all the parts of my body that were continuing to function well. 

I also tried to look at the bright side: if I really was going to die, there were a lot of things I would get to avoid. I would never have to have cataract removal or knee replacement, for example. Hahaha. My kids would never have to take care of me and wipe my butt! I created a long mental list and laughed at each item. It was a humorous way to entertain myself!

At some point, the tightness increased and traveled into my upper chest and throat. I directed my thoughts to all the things in life that made me happy—mostly Nature, and my family. My kids. My one and a half year-old grandson. I thought a lot about him because that always fills my heart and makes me smile. I thought of the fun things we’ve done together. I thought good thoughts and I felt Love.

I spent two days in the hospital, a place you don’t really want to be even if you feel good. That ordeal is a whole story in itself––despite completely normal testing and labs, I received a cardiac diagnosis and multiple bottles of powerful meds. When I got home I went somewhere else for a second opinion. Turns out I just have a crabby gallbladder! I’m probably not dying today or tomorrow, but who knows, really? Life actually is short. And it’s worthwhile to try to enjoy every minute of it we get : )